The delicate art of nonattachment

How to attract instead of chase in life and creativity

Few things in life are simultaneously more exciting and frustrating than navigating the dating scene. Anything could happen. You might meet your soulmate or go home unfulfilled. Each new date is like opening a mystery box – you never know what you’re going to find.

The game of seduction is complex and nuanced. Do they like me as much as I like them? Should I show affection or play it cool? Why is it taking them so long to text back?

According to attachment theory, some people are anxious in relationships (they cling to someone for fear of abandonment). Others are avoidant (they are emotionally distant for fear of getting hurt). The most well adjusted are secure (they can accept intimacy without clinging or avoiding).

Think of something you want to receive, such as money or success. What is your relationship with what you want? Are you desperately chasing after it? Or are you avoiding it altogether because you’re afraid you might lose it, or don’t deserve it?

A central theme of Buddhism is the Middle Way, the path between extremes. What we chase will evade us. What we resist will follow us. But when we stop clinging and resisting, and start engaging life with a secure non-attachment to outcomes, we radiate a magnetic aura and attract what we are seeking.

On the path of being an artist, rejection is unavoidable. Just like not everyone will resonate with you as a romantic partner, not everyone will resonate with your work. That’s okay. Being rejected is not a reflection of your value or worth. It’s usually a matter of taste and preference. Some people prefer tacos. Others prefer pizza. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try to.

If we measured success by our sum total of wins and losses, most people would be tragically unsuccessful. I can’t count the number of bad dates I went on before meeting my wife. Most authors have been rejected by publishers far more times than accepted. Most entrepreneurs fail at business before they succeed. Not everything you try will be successful. Instead of dwelling on your failures, remain curious and open to the next opportunity.

Going through life with a mindset of non-attachment doesn’t mean you don’t have goals. It means you are focused on your purpose and process, not the outcome. Attachment is the ego clinging to an idea. But we can’t always foresee what will be best for us. Sometimes a failure is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes we think we want something but life has a different plan. Sometimes things fall apart so something better can fall into place.

What you do is in your control. How others react is not. Instead of chasing after love and success, cultivate a loving and successful presence inside yourself.

As the poet Rumi said, “I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”

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My Current Offerings:

Poetry Club: A 3-Week Virtual Writing Circle kicking off April 27th. Join the club!

Bring Your Purpose to the Public: A Retreat for Creative Changemakers at Omega in upstate New York. A collaboration with Bunny Michael. June 29–July 4. Learn more.

Plant Medicine & Creativity. I will be leading creativity and meditation workshops at an ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica this November, a collaboration with my friends at Plant Medicine People. If you have felt called to work with psychedelic medicine, this is a trustworthy and ethical container. Learn more.

My new book, The Art of You: The Essential Guidebook for Reclaiming Your Creativity. Currently 50% off on Amazon. Look inside.

Behind the Scenes:

A few recent pics from my cheap 35mm camera, taken in Austin TX.